PPA Defined: Post Partum Anger

Ok... We KNEW things would be difficult... but COME ON!

It was the night before delivery, and all through the house
were really excited, we hope that even the mouse!
Then a call came, from the doctors ALAS!
We had to be early (REALLY EARLY), and so 4:00AM it was...

We reached the hospital in a cinch thanks to the Green Guy and his wife
No complaints here, as we knew we needed a breather...
The whole day would not be a teaser, but quite a test in faith...
Breathing in and breathing out... And then came 6:30... Transported for operation and then fear strikes in...

Couldn't tell why, but I knew something was wrong... Than and looking around I wished it was the operating room at home...
Leaving all in God's hands, the epidural was done... Counting time, curtains out... and the drama keeps on...

Hubby goes in, and operation had started... Bad idea!
So in the middle of it all he departed
as the sight of wifey cut open stroke some deep chords in his psyche...

I watch everything reflected in the lights over me, at least something amusing...
On one side the cord blood team, on the other the baby's...
And so at 7:15 AM Kalisto Beatrix came into this world,
a new Amazon Queen to simply rule us all!
After a while the cries of Kali were heard...
very strong pipes by the way!

Kali was taken away, few pictures were shot,
but at least the cord blood banking got done and then more.
I was finished by 9am, taken down to recuperating room...
and then time passed slowly and certainly... minutes, hours... almost a day.
I knew the place would be busy, but didn't expect such mayhem...
no news of baby... just news of trouble back with Deedee's care...
Nurses scheduled failed to appear, and so hubby had to stay home...

It was all as we actually expected, plans going down the drain as the same reasons re-apears...
Crappy nursing company that just don't cut it (final cut coming soon).

So I was taken to a room, while someone whined about me having luggage
(just a backpack and a pillow is now considered such a thing?!)
there was no A/C in the room, no shower in the bathroom... Just the bare basics so you dont plan a long stay. And still no news of baby... And hubby stuck with nurse care and stress.

Wednesday went away in a sweet and sour note:
Baby finally came, which made us very happy...
but circunstances spoil everything bringing up things that shouldnt be...

(The rhyming stops here, it was just for the birthdate).

Thursday... No news of baby, and hubby running home to cover a nurse gap...
Me, getting the complete Diabetic Treatment as if I had been hospitalized for that...
And getting scolding and evil eye as nurses imply I dont go to the nursery because I dont want to get up. Branded the official white latin bitch queen bee that just want to be served... and who only cares about the other kid at home, and with a boyfriend that is not there.

So... Thursday night came with a doctor that finally believed me when I said I couldnt walk because of my right leg's pain was stronger than the c-session pain.
Neurologist passed by, and yes my leg is weaker... at least that went in the record and some new appointments were made for me as outpatient... doesnt erase the annoyance of the past two days dealing with unnecessary bitching...
Hubby came at night as well, and with a wheelchair took me down to Intermediate Nursery. They had baby with a pulse ox and monitor...

And I pause here as... we are SMA parents, who see this in every critical moment of our SMA child. Imagine how our hearts sank. Turns out the girl had a sugar withdraw when the cord was cut (duh, no surprise there as I am diabetic), so they gave her sugary water, then decided that she may have an infection and gave her preventive antibiotics... then decided she was too fat and put her in a diet to see if she could be taken out of the diabetic gap..

Kalisto was 9 pounds 12 ounces when born, 21 inches long. Not a huge baby, a bit big (normal when you have a diabetic mother)... but in the land of 5 pounds babies she is abnormal. I guess this place is so jaded that they only validate a preemie weight as the right one... It is so stupid! And here we go with the new speeches about baby being too fat... Yadda yadda...

Back to the room... still no A/C, just plenty of stress because of the attitude towards everything... My legs keep beyond swollen, I cannot stand beyond 3-4 minutes, I definitively cannot walk distances... And I keep getting scolding from nurses that know nothing about this, about baby's wherabouts NOT in the open nursery, and about my stupid concern with the lack of nursing coverage at home for Deedee... and that I shouldn't whine about my hubby not being there all the time because most women that go into labor there dont even have a significant other... Can I say a big WTF?!

Friday morning. I was told I may be discharged through the day... On the 3rd day after a c-section? What about baby? So I go in the quest of finding out if I really can go home, if I better stay, and baby's condition/clearance to go home. Hubby arrives, with news that there would be no nurse for Deedee for the evening shift. And probably for the weekend. Can I scream?

One nurse somehow managed to hear the whole story, put the pieces together, and decided to help us go home. Through the afternoon she worked the miracle. I heard from my room how she was scolded by her colleages who told her it was all none of her business, that she should have just stick to her job, that I was just playing her as I had taken medication and I just didnt want to stand and do what all other mothers were doing (walking to the nursery)... Hubby went home to cover the evening shift, got a wheelchair thanks to our regular nurse so I could be rolled home if I arrived... and I was left alone in the hospital waiting for things to get solved... Kali was released as she was fine, and I was released... A cab took me and Kali home at 9:00pm. The lady that put Kali in the back of the cab scared me as she did so in a way that almost smothered baby. Then I managed to scrunch myself in the cab... as I could not lift my legs at all. In the way, the guy makes a remark about my boyfriend leaving me with babies and then not even showing up to pick me up at the hospital...

I got home with Kali... just asked hubby to check Kali was alright... and after setting her up in our room and finally being able to set myself up in the bed I just spend the rest of the night crying and crying... In just three days Kali came into this world and managed to survive how real and stupid it is.

All I have to say is God DEFINITIVELY watches over us. That nurse that helped us at the hospital, Joy, was an angel. Kali being healthy and well is a big blessing, and her being able to in the long run help Deedee is a plus. Through it all, Deedee definitively has her guardian angel working overtime.

Me... I still cannot stand for more than 5 minutes... legs and feet are VERY swollen... but I can deal with that. What really gets to me is all that people do and say to simply screw you for the sake of it... Why I have this big sticker in my forehead that apparently reads "Kick me, I'm stupid". I am sick and tired of being patronized, treated as ignorant, not believed, hated without motive or reason, treated as a latina tramp, treated as if I were worthless, humiliated whenever possible. And I still have to smile and wave all the way as I still have appointments to comply with at the fricking place...

I don't understand anything anymore. All I know is I just want to move out of this place. I have never hated a place so much... I know life is unfair, but there is a thin line between unfair and ridiculous. All I asked for was a normal happy day... Apparently that is simply too much. There were troubles when Deedee was born, but it all worked out... Now, being completely alone in this place from hell turns that into the most blissful moment in life. Family and friends acted as if nothing out of the ordinary happened. And strangers were beyond stupid as usual. Only a few ones actually smiled and wished us good vibes... mostly people who deal with SMA or know about SMA and know how hard things get... and how important it is to say a healthy child was born in my family!

We've been sad... but no more. What's the point on being sad? Our lives will never be the lives of normal Joe or Jane. People will keep failing us because in reality they don't know how things are, they assume many things as they look from the outside and see just a happily smiling couple who constantly speak of their big girl, and their newborn. There was no baby shower, there was no one celebrating Kali or us. There were no phone calls or messages from close family or close friends... We don't get it. But we won't dwell on it anymore. We have tried our best to be happy and open and to give all we have, and to believe and keep fighting. No lies, no requisites, no expiration dates... And we won't change that for anything else. It is who we are. We love, and we keep going as God takes care of everything that really matters to us, for us.

So, today we had no nursing service (how strange). It was Kali, Deedee, Mark and me in our room... The vent humming in the background, Veggie tales playing, Kali's occassional crying and us watching a movie. That's simple enough. And you know what? It is priceless.

V-